sinful foods and other desires.

Okay I know I need to eat fruit and veggies but lets just be honest ice cream is so much yummier. Thick rich creamy blue bell ice cream; not the loaded with spenda crap either. The good stuff. Vanilla loaded with chocolate gooey goodness. That's what I want. Forget the bannana give me the bannana split. The problem with this is I know that ice cream is going to go straigt to my middle and make me sleepy as I can be; however, for some reason I could careless at this point. I have to get all this sorted out so I can get it straight. I have to figure out why this time I cannot stay out of the drive thru and put up the bad for me yucky fats and start eating like I know I should. Not deprevation but a true lifestyle change again. Why why why can't I get this straight this time. I look in the mirror and I am so mad over it. People passify me and say you have to wait for your thryoid hormone to level out but that seems like an excuse to me. Its like me still using my knee injury as a reason. I want to be able to play with my son and run outside with him. Ride backs and chase him. I need to get moving but I cannot seems to find a way. for some reason that imediate ice cream out weighs any long term benefit I am finding. That is so unfair to my son and my self long term.

Motivation

2/5/2010

I have no motivation to even go for a walk lately. I will admit the "Artic Blast" did not help. I have no motivation to get up and go to the warm gym either. I have no idea where it happend; years ago I was extremely overweight. I got fed up with it so I got up joined the gym and started working my tail off and eating everything I knew I should and nothing I knew I shouldn't. I am not quite sure why I can't get myself to do that this time. When I do treck to the gym the owner, who is equally fierce to Jillian, says if I did it once I can do it again. I wanna scream @ her the girl that did it before was 8 years younger, had no baby at home to chase, and still had her thryoid intact. She had energy, she was fresh out of college and ready to conquer the world starting with the one thing she hated about herself. Currently there are many things about myself I have come to dislike. I have become catty, mean and @ times down right hateful to people who are closest to me. My vision has shifted somewhere. I used to put God first, the others then me. Here lately I have completely reversed that order. Perhaps that is my wall, my priorites are so out of balance that I can't begin to find a way to do anything. I pray I find some way to conquer all this mess. It's slowly killing me.